★Tumblr
★Formspring
I was... @ 11:53 PM
Thinking back to my younger high school days. Man was I a bitch.... most of all I was a bitch without realizing it until I grew up. I honestly wonder how some of those things come out from my mouth, what was I seriously thinking? and the funny thing is too... that I seem to have a more vivid memory of the bitchy things I said to people.
I used to take dance classes... I don't think a lot of people or any at all would've known that and man... I feel so bad for my dance instructor. This came up to me because I've been seeing a lot of success for his dance group around the news and tv these days. He has always been the number one person I would like to apologize to (in my past wrong doings). Since I can't exactly say it, I thought I'd just write my feelings out.
I don't really remember many things I said to you but I really remember two things.
Once, was when you asked the class if we had any questions and then you continued to say, nobody ever wants to ask me any questions! and I said "then stop asking for questions" If I were able to, I'd go back in time and give myself a slap in the face.
The other time, I also owe sorries to my friend. I won't write out the full story cause damn I am so embarrassed at myself. She said something bitchy about you regarding you and your girlfriend (who came in and thought us too) and I immediately announced it to you.
Did I not have a brain or anything?
I don't really know why, if I said anything really mean to any of my close friends or anyone else I don't particularly have a vivid recollection of it but these few memories with you has continued to haunt me for a very long time. I don't know why, maybe because all this while I've been very sorry about it? How i've treated you? I really want to slap myself in the face right now.
So.... I guess I'd end this post by saying sorry. I really am. I don't know about other mean things I've done in the past but this has really haunted me and I feel extremely bad about it. Sorry and I am very happy for your success. It makes me feel proud to have known you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I regret it, you know? I regret it. I feel so fucking sad for myself. I couldn't achieve the one thing I was hoping to achieve for my three years of high school life. I really wanted to get over it, I really thought after all that crying and people telling me it's okay that I'd be fine. The funny thing is that nobody blames me more than I blame myself. I was one mark just one mark away. Then I thought to myself, maybe that's the plan, maybe it was just never meant to be. It worked for a while until I got around raging again for being one mark away from the cut off.
What made it worst was that familiar stab to the heart. It's funny how you got me so confident, it's funny how I want to be there because of you instead of the university itself. It's funny how five minutes ago I was telling myself to not mess with the fates until you came along. It's funny how much a stranger can change you so much. Yes, a stranger. I'm going to try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself anymore because there's still a chance and I'm going to take hold of that. All this, for you. You don't really know me, I don't really know you but knowing you're around, somewhere, your presence alone just makes me so much more motivated to get to where I really want to go.
You build me up. Someday, if I made it into my dream university and when we cross paths again I'll tell you it's thanks to you.
Have you ever thought of the possibly of changing someones life? someone out there in the world somewhere, a stranger without doing anything significant just by being the person you are. I don't know if I have but I know someone that certainly has.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A new start @ 9:45 PM
I never, ever imagine what it'd be like going to university. The weird thing is that even up till now, the thought hasn't exactly crossed yet.
New apartment. New city. New place. New school.
Hopefully, same old me.
I thought about that, about me. Whether or not, now that I'm at a new location would it be a good idea to change myself? to be a new person all together, a better person. Then I thought, if it was so easily done as it is said then the world wouldn't be like this. You know, I'm happy with who I am, I'm not very proud of my personality but I'm still fine with it.
My sentiments exactly
People should really like and accept you for who you are. I think that's such an important thing to bear in mind. Once, I talked really loudly while we were in this restaurant. My brother told me that it would pull people off getting to know me. People will look down on me. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I said "well fuck them too then." I'm not interested in people, who take one glance and walk away.
Friday, January 13, 2012
I want to go on a ride @ 1:12 AM
Let me start off with a belated Happy New Years to everyone.
2011 has been so special. A year that I will keep so close to my heart. 2011 has been a year of amazing experiences, each and every one irreplaceable. Instead of reminiscing of what happened I'm looking forward to 2012. 2012 will be special too. I can see it. because it's a year of new beginnings and a long list of new experiences waiting for me, experiences that differ completely from the ones I've experienced in 2011.
What's honestly wonderful about life is that even though we only have one life. We have one life with a lot of new beginnings and endings. Beginnings to allow you to be whoever you couldn't be in the past and endings that allow you to start something a new.
To be honest, I'm ready for something new. The holidays have been filled with many disappointments in many different aspects. I just want to be able to let go of everything and start a new journey. That what I really need now. I want to be able to forget about everything that I've lost, things that have been so dear to me. I want to be able to forget. I want this ending to tie itself together into one tight knot and never unwind. Please, please.
I wonder if it's fine for me to dive in 2012 without a plan. With no clear indicator on what I want to achieve or what I plan to do. I want to be lost for once, I want to just walk and run without knowing what lies ahead. So that I'd stop having expectations I can't meet. I'd stop making promises that I can't keep. I'd stop creating goals that I cannot achieve. That's it, I want to be intoxicated, let life bewilder me, let me go on a ride, a ride where my destination cannot be foreseen.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
From today @ 11:32 PM
I will not acknowledge the presence of my brother. As I know, I do not have any older siblings.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I always thought there' be a tomorrow, you'll be there, in your room or sitting in that chair you love. Screaming and shouting, because your voice is just naturally loud. Asking the same questions over and over again because you forgot. Holding our hands when we call you by your name.
When you took your last breath, tears rolled out of your closed eyes. It was the only time I've ever seen you cried. Everyone in the room told you to rest peaceful, don't miss us, don't worry about us. We're all grown up, we've lived our lives and will continue living it thanks to you. Go peaceful, there is no need to hesitate, you've endured the pain for so many days just to get one more moment with us but it's alright now, the pain is gone. I know you are safe in Gods hands, I'm not worried at all. So don't be worried about us too, we'll do fine. Continue to watch after us.
Your love was always pure;You treated me as your own.
Your time seemed all too short and
I feel so alone.
What can I take from this?
My heart is completely crushed.
But nothing loved is ever lost -
And you are loved so much.
Goodbye my love You're time has come.
The doctor says your gone, It's done.
I knew it was coming, but I never dreamed you'd go so fast
At least the pain and suffering is gone
I miss you dearly And hold you nearly to my heart
I miss your stories..your hugs and kisses
But the time has come to say goodbye
Although it hurts I know it's right
So I must try so here it comes
Goodbye my love
Your time has come
Rest in Peace Mama.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I'm at a complete lost of words.
I thought that at this point, when I've actually left Perth and all my friends behind I would be able to say a lot but I can't. I don't know what to say. I honestly cannot find the words the describe how I feel right now. I have never felt so bitter in my life. Never before have I wanted to relive an experience.
We've came so far, we've done so much and it's practically all over. Such tender memories. It felt as if everything never happened, right now I sit at home and think, has it really been three whole years?
What happened those three years?
Three years is a pretty long time you know.
It feels as if I had everything taken away from me at once.
It feels as if my main source of happiness disappeared in the blink of an eye.
There are so much more emotions that I'm feeling that I can not begin to describe.
Until today, I have never understood the true pain of separation. I have never understood how it feels to share your life with someone else. I have never understood how it feels to have love and lost.
I speak with utter confidence when I say that nothing can compare to the love and friendship that I've built with this group of people. Nothing in the world.
I feel as if, I still have so much more to say. So much feelings that I have right now and I would like to record but it's simply impossible to be put down in words. I expected to feel bittersweet, pain and happiness at the same time but I don't. To be honest, I don't even understand this feeling myself. How can I record it down in history if it's something I don't even understand?
But even though my feelings are currently a mystery. One things for sure, I love every one of you. I will treasure every bit of memory.
Layout made by Caye. Image from weheartit.